A Real Chinese Invasion – a Thought Experiment

If they came in ships, it would be different – not so much

What if the Chinese, instead of  deliberately sending a deadly virus into our midst—the paranoid fantasy Trump is trying to sell—they launched an amphibious assault on the West Coast,  in an effort to establish a beachhead in North America from which they can conduct attacks deeper into the land. Trump cries foul, saying that the Chinese never warned us of an impending attack (whose imminence has been visible in the shape of ships gathering at the shore for a week), and goes on to assign the job of fighting off the attackers to the states of California, Oregon, and Washington, with whatever armaments and soldiers they have available.  He assigns Jared Kushner the role of coordinating the effort.  The federal government will act as a “backstop” for supplies as the need arises, but each state will have to stop whining about their predicament and make its own case to receive the supplies.  While asking, the states should demonstrably show their gratitude—whether or not they get what they are asking for. Just in case they might want something in the future.

The President will hold daily briefings to deny that the scale of the invasion is anything to worry about, and that if it gets much bigger the states should  get a Magic Potion that he knows of to slow down the aggressors . . . and wait until bad weather discourages the occupiers  (“like a miracle”) and sends them home—a victory for which Donald Trump will claim all the credit. Reporters’ questions about the administration’s response will be called too “nasty” to be answered. The nasty press will be accused of spreading “fake news.” People within government who express doubts about the administration’s response will be fired or reassigned to musty basements with no access to their colleagues.

If the Chinese don’t go home, then the states should open all their businesses to the Chinese occupiers, who, while shopping and looting, may or may not arbitrarily kill Americans at will. (“Bad things, very bad things will happen to some people. But we have to open the country!”) Mitch McConnell will make sure the West Coast states will not get any unfair “bailout” from the national government in order to cope with the invasion.

Whatever damages the states have suffered due to the invasion are the fault of the Chinese for their treachery (yes, and also the fault of the United Nations for not warning us), and the states for not acting quickly enough to secure their borders. Because of their mistakes, the states have not earned the right to have federal dollars to rebuild.

Eventually (perhaps by mid-century) it will be discovered that intelligence officials had been warning the President about the high probability of the Chinese invasion for weeks, but the President brushed them aside with the assurance that there is a strong friendship between him and Xi Jinping and they get along very well together.  He had more important things to think about, such as searching for chinks in Nancy Pelosi’s armor (Pelosi—now there’s a real threat to the U.S.), and getting a spell-checker for his tweets.

There may be some differences between this fictional shooting war and the real-world war being fought against Covid-19, but the commonalities outweigh them: the President blames the perfidious Chinese for mounting a secret attack;  he also blames the U.N. for not warning us, and cuts funding to the U.N.; the President leaves the fighting to the states; the President lies about the invasion; the President holds out a fanciful defense against the invasion; the President attacks the press for nastiness and “fake news;” the President muzzles public servants within the administration under threat of dismissal; the President insists on the importance of returning to economic activity as soon as possible, regardless of the death toll; the President gets Mitch McConnell to accuse Blue States of being freeloaders and to ask them to declare bankruptcy—those same states (McConnell won’t mention this) whose federal tax dollars subsidize Red States such as McConnell’s to the tune of tens of billions of dollars every year.

Whatever happens, Donald Trump will rate his response as a “10.”

And approximately 120 million Americans will believe  him. 

 

 

 

 

 

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